5 Practical Uses of Facebook Recommendations (McSweeney's reject)

I will be doing a lot more writing on Action Research/Action Science in the coming weeks, since it is the chosen methodology for my dissertation.  You do not need to know much about this other than that it is collaborative in nature, and consists of cycles of plan, act, observe, reflect.  This research is a labor.  I have managed to find enjoyment here and there, but there is nothing hilarious about it.  Most of you know that I enjoy comedy.  I was lamenting to some friends that I had no time to participate in that part of my being.  I have had an urge to try improv, because it connects with the part of me that has been studying Zen.  I will get to it eventually, just to prove that I fear very little anymore.  I have found a lot of purpose in writing and doing, and like the other material I keep posting on the blog, this is stuff I just toss out to the universe because a) it triggers more thought b) I have to dump these thoughts to focus c) I have no idea what to do with them d) it makes me a better writer and more familiar with my material e) reading post structuralist hermeneutics is fun in only half hour increments.

In the spirit of Action Science:

Plan: I should really work humor into this whole venture so that I don’t feel dead inside

Act: I shall post ridiculous recommendation requests to Facebook

Observe: This is funny

Reflect: Ok, this may have been way funnier in my head. But, I now have an idea for my novel involving a bunker and the one man who thought to collect artificial organs instead of canned goods.  That’s funny, and practical, and a potential and dwindling pile of baboons will appreciate the effort at humor.  See how that works?

1.       Anyone know where I can buy a Jarvik 7? NWOT. Thnx.

M.R.:   Artificial heart?  Actually I might.

R.R:   M. I am trying to make a DIY bagpipe for a competition.  Only entertaining serious offers.

M.R.:   R.R. I wish you luck my friend, ambitious undertaking.

R.R:    Also, good to have one on hand for the coming apocalypse.  Everyone is thinking of canned goods for their bunker.  Guarantee you that nobody is thinking about artificial organs.  There’s gonna be some sorry ass people come judgment day. Someone is gonna be like “this worthless baboon was an incompatible donor. Does anybody have a Jarvik 7?  Maybe a 4? Must we start at square 1?

2.       Does anyone know a plumber with possible pet psychic abilities?

S.F.:  Do you really need a plumber?? Because I work for a wholesale plumbing supply company and know dozens of plumbers now : )

R.R.  S.F. here’s the thing, I have a tub filled with waterfowl. I tried Ouija.  They suck at it.  There little webbed feet kick that damn cursor all over the place.  Tub has a slow leak.”

D.E.  S. doesn’t sound like he needs a plumber, sounds like he needs a cat.”

R.R   D.E.  I don’t know if I was clear.  I don’t want to be rid of these birds.  They’re picking lottery numbers.

3.  Does anyone know if there is a laser eye surgery provider that also does laser hair removal?

D.E.  Probably.  My dentist does botox for wrinkles now…

R.R.   D.E.  I am worried that my eyelashes are too full.  I was thinking of having them laser beam out every third one.  But it could just be blurry vision, so gonna try the eye fix first.

J.P.: (face palm)

R.R :  J.P. back up plan. I don’t know if you are aware but the 90’s are coming back, big time.  if the eyes check out, I may get those hash lines laser carved into my eyebrows.  I also need to get just my left ear pierced.

4.  Non-emergent tattoo removal?

L.S.: (Mr. Clean ad)

R.R.: Tried it.

L.S.: Hi traffic area?  (Resolve ad)

R.R: Left bicep, big tattoo of a heart, says MOM.  Home for the holidays, found out I was adopted.  Done with this shit.

K.R. (brother): Lies, if it was on your bicep it would be a really tiny tattoo.

R.R.:  K.R. I still need to get the face one removed.  I was so heartbroken that I went and got a teardrop.  Now nobody wants to come near me.  Except for male teens who keep nodding there approval.  These kids are in touch with their feelings—is this that Emo you were talking about?  Sensitive 70’s making a comeback, big time!

5.  Does anyone know a Buddhist monk that also does children’s parties? Thnx.

J. F.: They’re quite common in Lost Angeles. Have you posted your request there?”

L. S.: fatchurchhomeentertainers.com

R.R: Aww, you guys are the best.  Gonna be a tight year and I wanted to get the kids acquainted with “nothingness.”  If he can chant that’s even better, it will help me ignore questions like “Dad, what’s a nothingcake?”

J.B: You could always give them the children’s version of the feel-good classic Being and Nothingness.

R.R:  J.B. what a wonderful idea.  I’ve been trying to explain that the “void” is the true source of all gifts, and that everything returns to this state.  The younger one gets it.  My oldest is out back digging around in the sinkhole.  That kid is too literal.