Wedding Address (For Mike and Haley)

I am honored to speak here today for Mike and Haley.  This is the part where we typically read First Corinthians 13, love is patient, love is kind...  We know this passage well, and very little can be added to it because it is true, every single word of it.  Return to it at difficult times, its mysteries abound, because there is always more to know about love. My Freshman English professor required us to write on a topic, with the warning: “do not pick love, St. Paul said it best and I have never given a 10 to anyone who attempted”  In honor of Mike and Haley I will assume the risk of a poor grade, because today they undertake one of life’s great risks.  And this is good because one of the Sufi poets has said “we were meant to risk everything for love.”

When I asked Mike what he might want in an address,  nothing overly religious, was his response.  This is good.  I am not qualified to give that address.  But, I can speak as a psychologist and counselor who has observed much.  I can also speak as someone who has loved his way into enough catastrophe to speak confidently of this subject, and I will share that I can speak confidently only because I misunderstood so much in the first forty years of my life.  In fact, if not for one of my catastrophes I wouldn’t even know Mike and Haley.  And that is why I am here today, to attest to the multiple definitions of love. And to offer you a few words about what I believe to be essential.

The first thing I will say is this. It is incredibly easy to get things wrong about love.  This happens not because love is complicated, but because relationships are.  We often misperceive love as a stand in—something to be possessed and held onto, when in fact it is the byproduct of loving. This causes us to insist upon a definition or a standard or a notion, that exists solely in one's own mind. If you want to attempt a truly pointless exercise go try to debate someone that they are not in love if they have told you that they are. They may or may not be, not the point.  But, I can tell you that I am concerned when I encounter someone who protests or insists. Love rarely requires proofs.

The Buddhists recognized centuries ago that it is our desire to grasp and apprehend objects that causes suffering.  If you insist upon pinning love down to a single definition, insisting that you are the only one who ever felt this way in the course of human history, and that nobody could possibly understand your condition, you will find loneliness, pain, disappointment, fear, and the other opposites of love. You are seeking a material possession in place of loving. You have allowed no room for growth. And, I guarantee that you will from time to time feel these things, even in a loving relationship. Your challenge will be to stop and ask is this love, and am I loving?

I will share two things that I have learned.  Since love is the byproduct of a process, it is cumulative.  It does not take away, it moves in the direction of growth not subtraction.  When I had my third child, I did not love the other two any less, I loved them more.  Love does not “complete” you, it magnifies everything that you do.  When I recognized this I scrawled it in a card, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that everything I have suffered was worth feeling that insight alone.  The second thing that I will share, is that you cannot learn or experience love without each other.  This is the hard part, because as I said relationships are hard, and loving another person can be hard at times and over time.  I have observed countless couples, and I have experienced firsthand how we lose the ability to see each other because the person opposite us becomes so familiar.  This is where all the “you always” arguments come from, and if we continue that path to its end we eventually arrive at “you don’t even know me.”

There is an African word Suwabona, which roughly translates to “I see you,” but has a far deeper meaning.  It also implies honor, and because it is a greeting and reciprocated, you see me also, and that we come into being through each other.  Descarte’s famous line “I think therefore I am” misses something essential.  Tich Nacht Hanh’s quote “you are, therefore I am” is closer to reality.   So, this is the challenge—to look at your partner, and again and again, remind yourself often, amongst all of the frustrations, the insults, the illnesses both mental and physical, all of the baggage and boxes—to say these things are not “you,” these things are wounds.  “You” are the person here now right before me.  In the final lines of that Corinthians passage this is stated—for now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face.

Finally, our culture fills our minds with a lot of garbage, and reinforces the commodification of love—the materialism I spoke of earlier.  If it is correct that loving is a process and love is the byproduct, then it must be cultivated.  The Greeks actually defined love in multiple ways.  When I think of this I imagine a far richer world. My recommendation is that when you struggle, do the opposite of insistence, widen your practice. Find a place for:

Philia—this is the love at the source of friendship.  Plato and Aristotle debated whether it was the most important, platonic love, the brotherly love, why I am here today.  Philia is taking in a guy going through a divorce, and keeping in touch after he moves out, and dragging him back out again when his heart was crushed again.

Eros—we’re going to skip that.  There might be kids here.  But this, I will say—it waxes and wanes, don’t fall for the trap that it’s the one and only definition of love.

Storge—the unconditional love.  You may choose to have children, you may not.  Find something and love it unconditionally.  Dogs are awesome. The planet could use it.

Philautia—love of self. Understand that this is difficult because of the ego, which tends toward narcissism.  But it is essential. It implies honoring your words and commitments, integrity--doing the right thing even when it is hard. Without this you will do dishonorable things.

Pragma—this is the love that comes from commitments.  A friend of mine posted on Facebook that he told his Grandfather he didn’t understand how he did it, day after day visiting the nursing home.  His Grandfather looked at him, baffled and said “I love her.”

Ludus—playful love. For God’s sake please don’t lose the ability to play.

Agape—the type of all-encompassing love often associated with Christ.  Add the other six up, I think you get close.

Mike and Haley, I love you guys and I wish you love in abundance.  thank you for bringing me into being here today.